Meara

So, i'm making some changes

2007-09-28T13:27:29Z

Lately, I have been anguished over the fact that this will be my first birthday in four years that I have not spent with Matthew Schwartz. I have also felt grief towards the current state of our relationship which has begun to damper our friendship. I have come to understand that one’s mood should not be affected by the way they observe another individual’s behavioral change towards them, however I have spent the past three weeks in a nearly constant state of confusion, doubt, dismay, and guilt (mostly at night – during the day, I’ve been a fun loving, half-party animal; half studious little girl). I believe now that most of these feelings were not intentionally inflicted by this person, but were emotions I inflicted on myself because I am very analytical and self-critical. In short, as I interpret it, Matt has expressed a desire to be apart from me mostly because of these types of feelings that I get obsessed over and cause drama about, in addition to us having the great big pond between us, and a hint that he thinks I need to grow up and find myself. I do not believe I will “find myself” as I feel I already know who I am. I think things about me and my feelings, thus my arguments towards things will change, but the actual person that I am, will not. I will grow in terms of mind and heart, especially after this – not knowing if I want to love someone again for fear I may be hurt or fooled.
PERSONAL DISCLAIMER: Not all of my feelings are directly correlated to Matt. I just feel with me being in London, partly sick, and finding it hard to sleep that I’m being VERY ridiculous in this note. For awhile my feelings have been heightened by things I perceive, and a lot of these perceptions that I get upset about come from missing what I had with Matt and regretting taking our relationship for granted over the summer. But mostly, I believe they come from not feeling like I have a loving and supportive relationship and seeking some way, rather someone to bounce my feelings and ideals off of.

HERE’S the POINT to that RAMBLE: With my birthday just a day away, I have vowed to myself to try to remedy myself of these feelings, by setting a set of resolutions that I hope to have mastered by my twenty-second birthday.

I’m writing this as a facebook note because I no longer feel comfortable expressing myself fully to the person I used to tell everything to, openly and without judgment. I feel I’ve become an inconvenience and an obligation – something a lover should never become. So I write this saying that because I do not feel comfortable bringing my problems to who used to be my rock and support for every facet of life, I need my friends now more than ever. I know I have been a bit distant from everyone, and that my education has led me to be far away from many of my high school buds. But if you could let me know that you don’t mind being my support, I’d really like to hear it.

Through the completely bizarre and silly way that I think, I would like to have one friend I can lean on (if needed, for each day of the week). I think this could be fun. It would be a good way for us to keep in touch and we could help one another sort through any difficulties we are experiencing or have someone to share daily joys with. I ask this because I really enjoy sharing my life with other people. I know everyone doesn’t feel this way, so if you do not want to be apart of my weekly support group, just drop me a line and let me know that you’ll be there for me if I really needed someone, because I know in my head that you are, but sometimes I need to be reminded, and now is one of those times for me.
Sorry if this note is a bit long and tedious, or just kinda ridiculous. I just want to get my thoughts out…..So here are my Resolutions. Please comment if you think some of these are a good idea or if you think they may change my character too much and make me no longer me (I hope that makes sense). Or if you feel like you would like them to be a resolution for yourself, so we can buddy up master that pledge and make a whole lot of really great memories!

1) Be more like my buddy Noah  RANDOM and Self Motivated
2) Become a better listener
3) To not define myself by my emotions or relationships
4) Laugh and have no regrets; live in the moment rather than through the memories of my past; Start a new chapter in my life
5) Take walks and appreciate my surroundings
6) Have patience; let things I can’t control go, “just let go”
7) Love without the fear rejection
8) Find or re-find somebody who understands me and create a loving, supportive relationship with trust and continuity. (and do this without being DRAMTIC) =)
9) Come to peace with myself and stop being so self-critical
10) Enjoy life, friendship, and go on unplanned adventures; plan less, let down my guard and be free with or without the support of others.

*Become closer to my vocational goal of becoming the most fun, loving, and easy going 3rd grade teacher there is! (Or some super cool child psychologist).

What would you do if you could choose between these options?

2007-05-11T21:05:50Z

So my options are:

1) Stay living with my parents 45 minutes outside of Houston and work at an incredible job as a Montessori School teacher.
Pros to this: The job is awesome, i have a room to myself, the food is free
Cons to this: The house is a mess, someone is always asking me to clean this or that, i don't have a car to get around a town with no public transportation, and i'm going into the second interview for this job Monday so i'm not even sure if i have the job.

2) Stay living with my parents or move in with an amazing boy who's been my off-again on-again boyfriend for the past 3 years.
Pros: He's an amazing guy! It would be a lot of fun. Alot of personal attention to recieve and give, I would be in a familiar town, with old friends, and back to my old life before i left for college.
Cons: I would only see him on the weekends. I'm not sure if i relate to those old friends as well as I used to, and i may feel like i'm limiting myself from options greater than the feeling of familiarity and love, but at the same time are there any feelings better than familiarity and love? Also i'm not sure if i would learn how to balance him and a job in the same town, because in the past i've never had a job while in the same state as him.

3) Go live with a good friend in Austin.
Pros: It's Austin, TX! Wonderful town, close to old highschool friends, reasonable drive for the boyfriend to make if he wanted, and a wonderful friend to LIVE with!
Cons: Don't know what my job would be there. Don't know how the sleeping arangement would work out. Living with him may hurt two other people i care about by making them have weird feelings. It may cause problems for his new girlfriend -- I'm asuming jealousy would be the feelings felt by these three people because they either want(ed) to be with him or be wtih me.

4) Go Live with ROSEMARY!! in Chicago.
Pros: I could most likely find a job very quickly (and minimum wage in chicago is higher than that in Texas). I would be living with one of my best girlfriends from high school. I would be in Chicago! 3 of my cousins are a bike ride away and all of the Sullivan side of my family would be close (either a train or short car ride, minus an awesome Aunt). There would be free music, parks, musiums, and many of my favorite people in one city. There would be a number of people to meet and public transportation to get anywhere i needed (except maybe to visit a few relatives). Did i mention i LOVE these relatives and this friend that i would be living with? They are so awesome, and i never see them.
Cons: I don't exactly know how i would pay for food (although my relatives would supply a few meals), or if i would save enough money to do what i want while in London in the fall. Going would hurt the person i care most about, and i may not let myself dive into the atmoshpere because i would be worried about leaving people back home. By being in Chicago and not in Texas, i would feel like my family would want me back home with them, and would miss out on reconnecting with old high school friends.
Pro and Con: This experiance may change the person i am, but would change me for the better i feel.

5) The Montessori school in Houston
Pro: Job utilizing my studies. Job working with children. Close to home
Con: None. (except maybe i would stay living at home if i took the job)

6) Working at a camp in Washington....One of my good friends from Guilford just told me about a camp she's working at for the summer, and i think it would be GREAT!
Pro: Working with kids and a good friend from school.
Con: Leaving people back in Houston, the job may not pay enough for me to make the trip, do the work, and have money in London.

So which option would you choose?

So confused

2007-04-11T04:52:36Z

I don't know if anyone reads my Live Journal or not. But too much has been going on, so I'm going to try to type it out.

1) I broke up with Matt because i felt i was changing or keeping my life the same too much for him and couldn't do it anymore (meaning i was only coming home to Houston on my breaks because he was there and i wanted to be with him, but he could only see me on the weekends and we either fought or hooked up) so i realized i'd rather a different relationship, although i love his friendship and i'm not sure if i'll be able to have that.

2) School's coming to an end, and I'm not really sure what to do for the summer. I thought i was going back to Houston, but then i realized i was just doing that so i would be with Matt and now he's not a variable, so really i can do anything. But i don't have a job and am scared that it would be too late to apply for things.

3) If i were to go to Houston, i don't really know where i would live. My mom and i really don't get along. But i also have a 16 year old brother and really want to be there while he matures and hang out with him. My fear is i would go weak and just get back with Matt only to either break up or continue long distance into the Fall. I really can't stay with him because i'm going to London for the Fall semester and think it would be important for my growth, personal happiness, and overall learning to be single during this time. But if i've been with him all summer, my mind will still be on him so i'm thinking i should use the summer to distance myself from him. Just sucks because i'm always far away from him during the school year, and now that i'm like 20 minutes away from him, i'm not going to be with him....

4) One of my ex's has offered me his place to stay in Corpus. But every time i visit him i just want to be with him again, and feel it is really important that i spend some time just being single. Although i think this talk of being single is much more talk than actuality because i still have feelings for both these boys. But the ex i always find myself getting into some sort of trouble or crossing over to "the dark side" and the Matt who i just broke up with is the sweetest, bestest guy, but he's very conservative and much older. And i just feel that Matt's ideas and talk of the future and my feelings of always returning home on breaks rather than going somewhere with my college buds or exploring job/internship opportunities that would help myself are holding me back from growing into the person i once saw myself as.

All these things make me very sad, but i guess it's just a part of growing up.

Also i need to take a 300 level psychology class this summer and earn lots of money so i can do things in London, but don't know where i'm living, so i don't know where to sign up for classes or where to look for jobs.

In short i'm feeling very stressed and like i'm closing a chapter to my life, and trying to write the introduction to the next, but i have writers block, or really just no outline to write the next chapter on.

And i wonder why i can't be happy with the good, and just ignore the bad...

2006-11-03T07:23:30Z

I am your nightmares, true scares
That dream when you can't stop from falling
Can't fight, can't run
Can't stop the person you've become

I am your heartbreaks, mistakes
That place inside your hate
I am that shadow following every move, reminding you
That it's never good enough, never good enough
Even though you'll try and try
I'm gonna call your bluff
Because I am the thing bringing the feelings when...

Your world comes crashing around you
Smashes down around you
When will you see that you cannot hide from me?

When you feel darkness, hopeless
Can't cope with all the stress
I'll make you hate life bring strife
Remember failures hardened stare
And it's never gonna change, never gonna change
Always they'll be judging you
Compared to who and who
You trust in me but I only live to see

Your world come crashing around you
Smash down around you
When will you see that you cannot hide from me?

When I come for you
When I see through you
When I eat through you
When I destroy you

You'll think you're betrayed, astray
I'll leave you ripped and torn so bad you
Can't trust, can't love
Can't understand why life's so fucked
I'm deep inside your mind
In constant remind
If you leave your thoughts to me, believe
I'll make sure that I see

Your world come crashing around you
Smash down around you
When will you see that you cannot hide from me?

I'll make your world come crashing around you
Smash down around you
I'll let you see why cannot hide from me
Because I am you
(you = me in this song)

To my Friends:

2006-10-14T08:30:13Z

To my friends:
i'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
i will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
you can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and i'll hold it
you can share your so-called shame-filled accounts of times in your life and i won't judge it
and there are no strings attached to it

you owe me nothing for giving the love that i give
you owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
i give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
and you owe me nothing in return

you can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and i'll grant it
you can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
you can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and i'll support it
you can ask for anything you want anything at all and i'll understand it
and there are no strings attached to it

i bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
i bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
i bet you're wondering how far you have now danced your way back into debt
this is the only kind of love as i understand it that there really is

you can express your deepest of truths even if it means i'll lose you and i'll hear it
you can fall into the abyss on the way to your bliss i'll empathize with
you can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and i'll hear it
you can even hit rock bottom have a midlife crisis and i'll hold it and there are no strings attached to it
~You Owe Me Nothing In Return
Alanis Morissette

I want to be a kid again

2006-10-13T05:15:45Z

I want to be a child again, 6 years old is good.

I want to once again think that candy is better than money, because you can eat candy.

I want to go to McDonalds and still believe it is a 5 star restaurant.

I want to go outside without worrying how my hair looks.

I want to go back to the days when music was clean and pure.

I remember when I was innocent, and I thought that everyone was happy because I was.

I want to distance myself from the complexities of life, and once again become excited over the small things.

I want to ride my bike all the way to the park, without worrying that I will get kidnapped.

I want to live simple again, I don't want my days to be full of computers crashing, mountains of paperwork on my desk, and how to survive a few more days during the month when there is no money left in my check book.

I want to believe in the power of laughter, of a hug, a handshake, of a kind word, of truth, justice or peace.

I want once again to believe in the human race.

I wish that each one of us could live a part of that child we all have inside and do not let ourselves be dragged down by the society which surrounds us.

If we all thought and acted a little like children, don't you think a lot of things in the world would be different?

my boyfriend is AMAZING

2006-06-24T07:39:31Z

my boyfriend makes me want to shout my feelings, but i feel i can not do that so i will spill them here! =)

So, my boyfriend is awesome, and g.r.e.a.t.

If you were to compare him to a tv show character it would be Turk from Scrubs. He is handsome, funny, caring, dedicated to work and friends, and when he wants to be - romantic. He puts aside his personal desires and wants to please me when he can, and is constantly supportive of my thoughts and endeavors.

The past three days especially with him have been phenomenal in a way that i couldn't even dream up. After two years of being with him, i feel the way i did after three weeks -- that giddy, i just want to be in the same room as you, look at you and then when i see you look back at me i feel my stomach jump to my heart and back, and all i really want is to learn more about you kind of feelings.

He gave up a night with his boys to go to one of my best friend's birthday shin-digs that was 30 minutes out of the way and he drove. He then gave me some of the best snuggling ever, helped me make an amazing breakfast of french toast and bacon after going in to an interview in order to find himself a better and more rewarding work environment.

THEN this amazingly awesome boy/man set us up with a double date with two wonderful people, where we went two step dancing at a quazy club and booty grinded some. Again, at the close of the night he accommodated to my desires and wishes amazingly and just made me very very happy. When i'm with him, i feel like the luckiest, most spoiled (in the good way), prettiest, girl. THEN as if all this wasn't enough to make me burst with joy and happiness, he sets up another double date with another friend and i have much fun and he drives me home so that i can sleep in my own bed causing himself to sleep at his parents which is not so comfortable for him.

AND THEN! as if he hasn't already swept me off my feet several times this week, Tomorrow, we have a Triple date with two good friends and their girlfriends, followed by another birthday party. I am so excited i could just explode!

So dear boyfriend,
(his name is Matt =)

Thank you dearly for being so amazing. I only hope that in these days i have made you feel half or more as great as you make me feel and that these wonderful times continue with more smiles and kisses.
love you more than i know how to show you,
Me

PS. I think his most award wining attribute is that all but maybe twice (as in two fights) in our whole relationship, i feel i can ALWAYS be myself. And that feeling is ecstasy.

THis is what i want

2006-03-20T05:48:31Z

The realistic goal is to become an elementary school teacher, with a double major in Psych, which i'm on my way to doing.

My other goals are this:

1)show that America is becoming a third world country
and we need to pay attention to the areas already hit, nature, racism, and poverty
2) to teach specifically in inner-city areas
3) become a speech pathologist
4) join the peace corps
5) learn how to be a doctor without going to school
6) travel
7) have and raise a diverse family and to be happily in love and stabble

Grades are posted and I feel Smart!! =)

2006-03-03T14:26:49Z

Three A's and a B friggin +. Awesome. I couldn't be more pleased with myself. Except i can't help but wonder what i could have done if i wasn't so distracted by so many outside stimuli. Work is going...I've been really sick for the past few days, i fly home tonight for Spring Break, but i wont be in H-town excpet for the weekends, and they're already pretty packed with promises to hang out with people that i really hope i can keep. I just really wish it was like a two week break or something because i really need some Hometown TLC but i also really want to do this Katrina releif, and see people in LA, so i hope it all works out. I have a hottt date tonight, should be cool. I'm tired, i need a shower, i got a real cute haircut. Things are starting to look up.

mearaispretty @ 2006-02-26T21:48:00

2006-02-27T02:50:50Z

Everyday that he doesn't call or write, or say something to indicate interest is another day i feel alone. Very alone. I don't want to feel alone, but i feel like if i get over being alone, he wont have as good of a chance with me in the future, and i want to give him the chance. I wish i could stop thinking about this. I wish he would be a support.
With exception to that, because i think it is better we don't talk, everyone else and everything else is going most wonderfully. I feel burnt-out or sick, but Spring Break is in a week, YAY. I kinda wish i was getting a vacation, but i'm glad i'll be realy busy doing something i'm passionate about so i wont have much time to think and i have a lot of reading to do over break so going on a work trip will be good for that. I hope i get to meet some new people, and catch up on sleep over the break.

A most wonderful day.

2006-02-11T05:13:02Z

Today i went to Psych, and then History, after history I finished my psych project that's due at noon tomorrow, and planned my education project. I met with my education professor to clear the project then i went to film it. OH my goodness this was sooo great! I got to frolic while skipping with my friends, then rolled down a hill, we walked for awhile, filmed the ducks on the lake, then we walked down the wood trails. We found several most beautiful trees. We followed the leader on the ledge of a bridge, sat like frogs on a log, then we read under a tree that years and years of people have carved their love names into. Then we climbed another very large tree, it was very scary getting down from it. Then another scary event -- tree swinging (like trazan). We hop, jumped, and skipped over small and large creeks. It was wonderful. The weather was BEAUTIFUL.

Then i got to take a walk and became a memember of a pool hall in walking distance and went to Chick-fil-la. I love chicken! (sorry vegetarians who read this). Then i went and finished and edited all my projects. THEN! i went and played put-put, and it was freezing outside. This was not traditional put-put, we played as if the golf balls were pool balls and "shot" them into the hole. we got balls jammed and had to get creative, we played soccer with them, and we nudged them along with our nose! oh so much fun. Then we played ski ball.

Finally i got a waffle with a side of strawberries and blueberries at Best Dinner. It really has been a wonderful day. (And i hardly thought about HIM at all today). I feel like i'm doing well. HE and I will most likely be together, but it felt really great not thinking about him every two seconds and planing my next conversations.

So YAY.

mearaispretty @ 2006-02-09T12:24:00

2006-02-09T17:27:42Z

So i guess i still have a boyfriend, but he doesn't love me and he just wants me to be there for him at his convenience. After all we've been through that's what it's come down to. That or not have him at all i don't know which hurts more. It's like i already can't be be with him because of distance, but now i can hardly talk to him. Doesn't really seem like a healthy relationship, but i can't give him up - not yet.

Boys are evil.

So i think i'll just sit on the phone (if/when he calls) meaning i have to drop everything i'm doing, because if i ask him if i can go and call him later he pitches a fit about how busy he is and how he told me that he's tired and that when he called was when we could have talked. And i'll be supportive, like good girls should be, and i'll cry on the inside, but it'll be what makes him happy.

mearaispretty @ 2006-02-08T00:58:00

2006-02-08T06:00:54Z

life's a bitch, then you die.

Why can't i get things right?

Too much drama to try to explain, but here's how i'm kinda feeling

2006-02-07T00:06:05Z

You Can't Make A Heart Love Somebody
------George Strait

At a table for two
With candlelight and wine
That diamond burnin' holes in his pockets
Thinkin' now's the perfect time
When he popped the question he could see
The teardrops fill her eyes
She said I knew this was comin', and I'm sorry
But I hope you realize

Chorus: You can't make a heart love somebody,
You can tell it what to do
But it won't listen at all
You can't make a heart love somebody
You can lead a heart to love
But you can't make it fall.

Then she reached for his hand
And said I want you to know
I've done everything that I know of
To make the feelin' grow
I've begged and I've pleaded with my heart
But there's no gettin' through
My heart's the only part of me
That's not in love with you

You can't make a heart love somebody,
You can tell it what to do
But it won't listen at all
You can't make a heart love somebody
You can lead a heart to love
But you can't make it fall.

You can't make a heart love somebody,
You can tell it what to do
But it won't listen at all
You can't make a heart love somebody
You can lead a heart to love
But you can't make it fall.

You can lead a heart to love
But you can't make it fall.

What do you do when you can't live with or without the person you love?

2006-01-21T08:22:48Z

I love him, i really do. But when it seems like there is no way for you two to be happy, why continue? We make eachother happy and we love eachother, but how far does that get you? We are in two differnt worlds. i want to be in his, he in mine. We can't find middle ground. They are too differnt. his morals and values are those which are opposite to my own, but still i find them facinating and compromisable. But why would one want to compromise their values? Because of love. Love stinks. Well right now. It has had many months of wonderfulness, and the love part doesn't stink the ever changing mind and the pounding heart heart, they never seem to agree.
I hate games, i do not want to play games with him, but i'm afraid out relationship has come with some awkward territory now.
I do not know what to do. I am of the upmost conflict internally that i have ever been.

Fuck higher powers, fuck them

2005-11-22T02:17:00Z

I'm so annoyed, i hate how nothing works out for me. Yeah i'm being pestimistic, but it would really help if people could name things that htey know have worked out for me so i could have something to be happy about. I feel like i'm working and working and not getting anywhere. I feel like i did stuff, but that doesn't matter. I feel like i'm wasting away. I don't feel like i'm in College, i feel like i'm at a bording school with a bunch of hippies that don't want to take the time to get to know me.
I hate that when i want to spend time with people, they aren't available, i hate that i'm always there, but no one asks me if i would like something, or if something is pleasing to me. I hate self-centered people, i hate timing. I hate caring so much about certain people. I hate that when they're sad, i'm sad, i hate that i feel like i always want something more. I hate how i can't concentrate on anything right now, but i also can't make the situation better. FUCK.

is this the world as we know it?

2005-10-19T05:41:51Z

"Tell me what’s wrong with society
When everywhere I look I see
Young girls dying to be on TV
Won’t stop 'til they’ve reached their dreams

Diet pills, surgery
Photoshoped pictures in magazines
Telling them how they should be
It doesn’t make sense to me

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what’s going on?
Tell me what’s going on
If you open your eyes
You’ll see that something is wrong

I guess things are not how they used to be
There’s no more normal families
Parents act like enemies
Making kids feel like it’s World War III

No one cares, no one’s there
I guess we’re all just too damn busy
And money’s our first priority
It doesn’t make sense to me

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what’s going on?
Tell me what’s going on
If you open your eyes
You’ll see that something is wrong

Is everybody going crazy?
Is everybody going crazy?

Tell me what’s wrong with society
When everywhere I look I see
Rich guys driving big SUV’s
While kids are starving in the streets
No one cares
No one likes to share
I guess life's unfair

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what’s going on?
Tell me what’s going on
If you open your eyes
You’ll see that something
something is wrong

Is everybody going crazy?
Can anybody tell me what’s going on?
Tell me what’s going on
If you open your eyes
You’ll see that something is wrong"
--Simple Plan "Crazy"

So many things to think about...what job do i want some day, where should i be going to school at, who should i be in a relationship, should i stay in the one i'm in, which friends can i depend on?

THIS IS HOW I FEEL

2005-06-23T04:13:15Z

She's trapped inside her room
With reruns on the screen
Old books and movies
But she can't stop thinking
I'm torn between myself
My radio my friends
I want to write this one off over and over and over again

And then she looked at me to scream
My castles are falling
But I can't look into the street
Without everything changing

I want to read good news, good news
I want to be innocent again
I want to read good news, good news
But nothing good is happening

She waits all day
She stands a stranger in her skin
She moves the science with her hands
She lines the walls
With every paper she can see
These words consume her
But they never set her free

And then she looked at me to scream
My castles are falling
But I can't look into the street
Without everything changing

I want to read good news, good news
I want to be innocent again
I want to read good news, good news
But nothing good is happening
But nothing good is happening
But nothing good is happening

Name: Good News
Artist(s) Something Corporate
Album(s) Leaving Through the Window (2002)

If Only...

2005-06-23T03:54:56Z

If only...
all those happy memories could settle as just happy times.
all my phone numbers would magically appear new again on my phone.
all the things i expect could come true simply, and wonderfully.
all the things i want you to do, would happen without me telling you.
all the people i know would give me more consideration, towards my feelings.
all the little things, to not feel so massive.
all my bitterness, sadness, and anger could be happiness instead.
If only i was a little kid again.

I desperately need a good friend, that i can call at any time of day/night, and know they are ecstatic to mingle with me, or go out and play with me, whether rock climbing, or dancing in the sprinkler.

If you are this, call my cell phone, and set up a play date, or lets be random.

For the record, i am not depressed. Just want to have some fun, and feel life is pretty lame, and not fun.

Pretty freakin' sweet!

2005-06-07T04:19:19Z

So OKC rally was this weekend, at which i talked to SUUSI Robinson, and heard all those things i didn't want to hear, and then got a grip on myself. It really feels great to just vent, and i had been holding in way to much for way too long. Things that i didn't tell her i got to tell others, and now everything is out of me, and just out there, and it's great. So many things have been going on in the past few days, and life would be much easier if i had a cell phone, but i'm really learning to live without it, i just miss people, and am scared i'll never get their numbers again or talk to them...or something really ridiculous like that.
So i got my student loan statement today in the mail, as well as course selection, ID, and tuition for Guilford today. Those papers just really make me feel like college is coming, both excited and scared. Oh, the possibilities.
I picked up 38 hours worth of work, and it's good, because i'll be busy and i'll be bankin'!
Matt and I got memberships to 24 hour fitness today, and i'm really excited, but i don't think he's as elated.
I talked to my sister for awhile today, as well as my mom, and my brother, and my dad actually, so that was good. I've been feeling like i hadn't talked to any of them in awhile. Played with my dog too, and watched the Cubs.
I'm going to Corpus in two weeks and really excited to see my girlies again. And I really hope Matt registers for SWUUSI.
From my last post i got many concerned responses, and i love you all, thank you very much for letting me know you care, that's what i wanted. It really helped me more than you can beleive, and i don't like ever being in that mood, but i'm better now.

I've lost myself

2005-06-02T05:10:55Z

Hey friends. I need some help. I can't figure out the person i am. I've lost all that matters to me, well except Matt, but he's kinda distant too. I have no idea what to do or how to act. I think i just need to stay busy and be around people who care about me regardless of mood swings and individuals who can tell me what they remember and like about me so i can find that person again. I used to like myself, but i don't enjoy looking in the mirror anymore. I'm a ruthless child trying to be a caring, responsible adult. If anyone has some time for me, or a hand to help hold me up, that would be great.
If you do this for me, I will do my best to become the person I liked, and be happy around you, i really don't wnat to bring anyone down.

By letting go i mean of hope

2005-06-01T07:21:45Z

Who am I
What am I
I'm lying naked on the floor
I don't believe the mirror anymore
Got to find myself again
I don't know, if letting go
Might be the only way I can

In the darkest corner of my mind
I've been searching, I've been trying to find
The little girl that I left behind
I cannot see, life's blinding me
Underneath my rough and poisoned skin
Lies the inner beauty, free from sin
But I've forgotten how to reach down in
How can I feel, what I am for real

Who am I
What am I
I'm lying naked on the floor
I don't believe the mirror anymore
Got to find myself again
I don't know, if letting go
Might be the only way I can

Left alone, I'm lost in space and time
I still wonder how to ease my mind
Expectations of a different kind
I want to be me, tell me how can I be
Far away from innocence I start
Try to find the answer, hidden in the stars
Though my soul got covered in many scars
I still hold on, want to know where I belong

Maybe after all is said and done
When the shadows and the doubts are gone
I realise it's hard to love someone
If your not standing strong

Who am I
What am I
I'm lying naked on the floor
I don't believe the mirror anymore
Got to find myself again
I don't know, if letting go
Might be the only way I can

Who am I
What am I
I'm lying naked on the floor
I don't believe the mirror anymore
Got to find myself again
I don't know, if letting go
Might be the only way I can

Might be the only way I can

So lucky yet ever so cursed

2005-06-01T06:54:09Z

Today sucked major. I thought i was going to go rock climbing or something totally random. Instead i sat around, with good company, but still never did anything. Many times i thought about leaving, but i wasn't really bored, i was just unsettled. I fucked things up alot. I broke my phone, and i cried. I showed myself weak and unstable, and said a lot of things i wish i hadn't. I really dislike myself. I feel something missing inside of me, and lonely. But think i have everything.
Dear Happiness,
Where have you gone, and wont you please come find me, i have looked for you, and had some wonderful days on my search, actually i think i found you for awhile, but i have misplaced you again. Come home to me, because i need you. Thank you,
Meara

So i just realized another horrible thing about not having my phone, aside from all the numbers and convinance, i had some job interviews last week, really nice ones actually. And they were going to call my cell if i got the job, like today, and tomorrow to fridayish, and now i wont be able to know, and they may think i'm flaky. AHHH, right now i don't like life.
Grandma is visiting, and i haven't spent any time with my family, i really don't want to, tomorrow is musium day and i'm suposed to go, but i think that kind of stuff is way boring.
Today totally sucked ass. Tomorrow might be better. Baby, i'm sorry. I hope we can make it through, i didn't mean those things that i said.

I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
- Alanis Morisette, Hand in my Pocket

I supose i can learn from days like today. Note to self; you may feel passionate, and silly, but it doesn't matter, don't get worked up about it, because it wont be any differnt tomorrow. You can fight for things, but if there's no one on your side you can't win. Don't sweat what you can change, and change the things you can. Smile homie.

Thank you.

2005-05-31T07:03:11Z

yesterday, a day for the memory.

It seems like since school got out it's been one humongously long day. Danny's party...with many things breaking, work, Graduation, Pro-Grad, work, Ashley's party. Big storms, and lots of foolin' around. I love it. Summer's totally great.

where have all the good times gone?

2005-05-20T02:04:45Z

I remember the days of freedom
invincible, and dreaming of stardom
when i was a snot nosed kid
now i sit and reflect on all the things i did
where has the time gone?

Elementary, full house, and power rangers
loving everyone unconditionally and meeting strangers
never timid or coy
man oh man was i a tomboy
where has the time gone?

I think i'll write more and better of this later...mostly my point is, i feel i've lost all my friends, and can't make good new ones. I feel matt and i fading. I just wish i could keep time in my pocket, and on my side. Whatever happens, i have charished everything there once was. (I mean that for relationships, boys and girls, experiances, and memories).

Where has the time gone?
The time i layed next to Randall in a hammock?
When i went to my first rally?
When i learned how to drop-in on a half-pipe?
When i would spend the night with my girlfriends?
When i was one of the guys?
My first kiss?
Getting a driver's licens?
Being little and having resess?
Where have all the good times gone?